Photograph
We all know the "facebook"..the online directory. I was looking through pictures of people I went to highschool with...and I often wonder, what would it have been like if I had been in the "in crowd". All these skinny pretty girls hanging out w/these nice looking guys..I wonder what it would've been like. Maybe once I have a fresh start somewhere else..maybe that will be the answer I've been waiting for. Maybe I will be independent from my family for once, maybe I will make all these new friends that have never heard of me before, and maybe I will be happy on my own..
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
A time for everything
"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven.
A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace."
Greetings from Clearwater
Well guys, it was time again to take yet another trip to Clearwater...
We got in yesterday at around 1. As soon as we got off the plane, we heard "sittin on the dock of the bay"..then when we went to have a drink at the tikibar, we heard it again. So, we decided that is our theme song for this trip. :) It was real cloudy..then all of a sudden it cleared up and it was beautiful. We swam in the ocean..and I've never enjoyed the ocean so much before. I dont know what was so different this time, but it had to be something. And it wasnt sufficating heat, it was hot but it wasn't unbearable. Beautiful. Everyone keeps gloating "yeah..its beautiful here too, and its suppost to be this way all week" Well, i'm sorry guys. I'd rather enjoy the weather by the ocean..i dont know about you ;)
I was running on 2 hours of sleep, but I didn't care. I fell asleep by the pool and had a few dreams where I woke up snoring, or talking to someone in my dream. I so exicted I couldn't sleep the night before, plus I waited for my nightly phone call from the "boo" as I call him. (He's been my best guy friend for 3 years..and just recently theres been question of being more..) He got completely wasted that night, and passed out while talking to me. He actually got up extremely early, drove an hour and a half (hungover) to see me at the airport for only 10 minutes...and gave me his favorite hoodie which smells amazing. I never thought he'd make it..i was extremely happy to have a message on my phone that said "call me, im outside".
I had a good talk with Kell who is 35, and we talked for over an hour..just about everything. It felt so good to talk to someone who listened and gave me wonderful advice..one lesson she tought me last night: take a chance. I did...and I'm being patient to see how it all works out..so we'll see.. :)
Until next time...first day, 6 more to go.
We all have our faults..
This is really random. But, what are blogs for? Journalism..venting..throwing stuff out there..
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately..just about everything. As I'm sure some of you know, I'm VERY sensitive..like moreso then most people. It's not necessarily bad or good. I've definitly toughened up a bit, but it seems like the people I care most about hurt me the worst. But, the good part is, I dont hold grudges most of the time..I bitch about it, and then im over it.
For example: We were workin..doin the villa thing. It was pretty slow, so what do we do? TALK. Me and Ally were talking about her living situation, and her living at my gram's house came up. Gram is a good woman and she means well..but she liked to go through Ally's things..and found a certain something..and LATER another something..just EMBARASSING lol. Then I started getting a flash into the future about how I'M going to someday have kids and what if they deal drugs, or steal things, or anything of that nature... OF COURSE if im suspicious, I'm going to look. With all this being said, Ally goes "I KNOW your going to look through your kids rooms lol..I know you". Asking her what she meant by saying this, she replies "Because you like to know things...you dont like being in the dark". The only thing I could say in my defense is that yes, I like to know things. I like to know the TRUTH. Tell me you do drugs, tell me you dont like something, tell me you stole, tell me anything but a LIE. Anyways...not a big deal, just a conversation.
For some reason, I thought maybe this conversation came up before when I wasn't around, and this was her way of being honest about it. Making me wonder further what people say behind my back. Not that it matters, because EVERYONE talks about other ppl..even me. But you still gotta wonder...
...Thinking about our night w/the "Saps" as me n Mel refer to us. Wiz shoulda been a part of that one guys, that woulda been GREAT. Good times w/the villa crew...good times... With Ally: "..heres a little song I wrote.." - Nik: "SERVE!!!" - Carissa: The wise observer of us all ;) - Mel: the infamous ass kicker/courtesy of Busch Lite - and our villa casualty Linds: the amazing talent. And a few others of course..
We are one big disfunctional, sappy, loving/hating/loving/hating, hularious, family....villa life just wouldn't be the same w/out you guys. I LOVE ALL OF YOU!! We're not perfect, but we're PRETTY DAMN CLOSE
Venting..
GoldnSweet85: today sucks
Tikibar55: why?
GoldnSweet85: just started off shitty
GoldnSweet85: and the weather is crap
Tikibar55: yeah..it is..but it shouldn't make your day bad
GoldnSweet85: :-\ yeah it just tops it all off
Tikibar55: i was like that yesterday
Tikibar55: its ok
GoldnSweet85: :-)
Tikibar55: I've had the crappiest 2 weeks..
GoldnSweet85: ?
Tikibar55: ...OVER GUYS..and asshole ppl...i dont know
Tikibar55: I feel lonely, but i have no need to feel that way
GoldnSweet85: :-(
Tikibar55: I always have ppl around me, and I have people who call me and who want to get together..I dont know??
Tikibar55: I dunno what it is
Tikibar55: I dont even know why I get so upset over not being inlove with someone
GoldnSweet85: have u talked to mindy lately?
Tikibar55: no, i made an appointment, but even if i really wanted her to, she can't make me happy
Tikibar55: I'm not upset at all, in fact I'm happier today than I've been in the past 2 weeks
Tikibar55: i just wonder why I feel that way..
GoldnSweet85: no but she might have a good idea why
Tikibar55: I have a good idea too..
GoldnSweet85: mmkk??????????????
Tikibar55: I think its a combination of not letting the past go, my mom being upset over not having Darryn, the fact I feel like my dad is only nice to me when 'Nita's around..
GoldnSweet85: :-(
Tikibar55: feeling like Im not worth being together w/
GoldnSweet85: im sorry
Tikibar55: I KNOW its not true, but its those thoughts that I can't get away from everytime I feel like I get turned down or not wanted
Tikibar55: and even if it was all true, that shouldn't stop me..
Tikibar55: i dont know im just blabbering on
Tikibar55: probably because it feels good to actually talk to someone about it
Tikibar55: i hope you dont mind
GoldnSweet85: ....so go ahead
Tikibar55: i said it all pretty much
Tikibar55: i was just waiting for a reply
GoldnSweet85: well u pretty much said everything i was going to say
GoldnSweet85: lol
GoldnSweet85: ya nailed it
Pic
http://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/klimt/klimt.love.small.jpg 
This crazy thing called love..
"I think...I love him!" she said to me with a huge smile on her face. I've heard this so many times in the past few months from a lot of different people. "I seriously think I'm going to marry him..I even told my roommate after my first date with him, i said 'I'm going to marry this boy, I love him already'. We have sooo much fun together!" With a genuine smile, I replied "I'm really happy for you!". And I truely was..but inside, my heart was breaking. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol and the hottub, PMS, the underlying problem which has been haunting me ever since...or maybe all of the above.
Time kept going by, and I was a million miles away. Thinking about why seeing the two of them just being together was making me feel this way. I'm never like this.. My mind went way back, to the days when things started falling apart. My dad's affair and everything that came along with it, my first love which ended horribly, my second love which ended just as bad, and everything in between. For a few moments I snapped back to reality to take a shot of yager and have a few laughs, but my mind kept going back everytime I saw the two of them being obnoxiously adorable. It was so hard to hide, so i ended up going just to be alone and cry on the phone to one of my good friends who was clearly tired of hearing about it. That made matters even harder.
I ended up going home, lonely, with noone to talk to. Alcohol was taking a big part in this mind you, but you know what they say:when your drunk, your true feelings come out. I am starting to become so cynical, I feel like just giving up on the search for the "perfect" man. I keep thinking: What is it about being inlove with someone?...maybe its that feeling of bliss knowing that you have someone to love, and to know and feel that they love you in return. Someone that will hold you while you fall asleep, and thinks its cute when you snore. Someone who will hold your hand, and take you places you've never been to. Someone to laugh with, even if your the butt of the joke. Someone who's not afraid of P.D.A. in fact, proud to show anyone just how lucky they are to have you. Someone who will change little things just to make you happy. Even just to look in their eyes and know your the only one they're looking for. Everything a girl wants...I wish I could have/(had) it. For all of you who are inlove, I am truely happy for you, and I will admit I am envious...because I know that someday if I do happen to fall inlove with Mr. Right, I will be glowing too. Because to me.."A life without love, is no life at all" ...
Why "rules of clearwater"?
If you know me well enough, you know how often I go to Clearwater, FL. Too many times a year... The meaning is significant to me, and its a place I go to get away. A place where nobody knows me, I can relax, and have the time of my life. A place where I can wear my suit all day and not care who sees, and be myself and not be surrounded by assholes... somewhere I can escape for a while. The rules are: (1) forget home (2) spend every second enjoying the beach.. (3) always have a margarita close at hand and (4) walk everywhere..your never going to be this relaxed once you get home
